(My daughter as a wee one, trying to escape from her mother’s grocery shopping madness and seeking solace, or attempting to nurse, on her brother’s shoulder.)
Do you know who I am? I’m the woman in the sweaty gym clothes, pushing her toddler in a grocery cart around Walmart, picking up every item in the food section, reading the labels, mumbling incoherently and putting everything back on the shelf a little harder than necessary. I’m the woman blocking you from the dairy case, your favorite sandwich side section, and whatever you want to wrap your burrito up inside. That’s who the hell I am. And if you’d like to join me in my shopping frustration, walk a mile in my gym shoes, and just try my challenge for 3 items. Just three. Even if you don’t purchase these things – next time you are anywhere that isn’t a “health food store” – do this. Maybe then when you see me, you’ll forgive me for being in your way. And for how I smell. And look. I just came from the gym, see.
Pickles –
I’m not going to get all conspiracy theory on you. Nor am I going to pretend to be a scientist, though I think I would enjoy wearing a lab coat a great deal. What I am going to ask you is – what do you know about Yellow #5? Polysorbate 80? No opening another tab to google them, either. Just right off the top of your head. Maybe you heard a rumor. Or read something on Wikipedia about causing shrinking man-hood. (You think I didn’t see you read that?) Again, I’m not saying Yellow #5 causes cancer. I’m also not telling you it doesn’t. What I am emphatically stating is harmless or fatal – THERE IS NO NEED FOR THIS COLORING IN MY PICKLES.
I’m sadly not being paid to endorse any products here. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor. I can’t talk about it anymore; it’s giving me a headache. This is where Garth would hand me some pills, if you are following my Wayne’s World reference here. Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different. Probably colored with Yellow #5, so thank you no. No. I just want you to know that when I tell you Farmer’s Garden pickles are great, I’ll receive zero compensation. Though they could pay in pickles since they are expensive as all get out (not as bad at Walmart compared with other places I’ve seen them) for the amount in the jar. Totally worth it if you are looking for a tasty product with zero unnecessary ingredients. Plus, if you are using them to chop up for your tuna, you can use all the delicious extra veggies that are in the jar. Do you know how big the pickle section is and how many choices you have? I DARE you to read some labels and find any other brand that doesn’t contain something questionable.
Yogurt –
I find yogurt so aggravating that some days I purposely avoid that part of the store. My daughter LOVES the stuff – well, all my kiddos do actually – so when she sees it, she wants it. The problem is that most of the brands and flavors they like are either loaded with sugar, or else artificial sweeteners, artificial flavors, and/or freshness preservatives….or all of the above. Why can’t I find a vanilla yogurt without these things? I know, I know, I’m shopping at Walmart. But I’m on a budget and can’t always make another stop or take out a second mortgage to go to a health food store. (If I were only shopping for these 3 things, I would make a special trip. Can a family of 5 live off all natural & organic pickles, yogurt and tortillas? We probably could…..want to come over for dinner?) So how about it, huge corporations that have access to eversomany products. Please?
Tortillas –
Did you know that if you were to make your own at home, there would be 4 ingredients: Flour, Salt, Water, Oil. If you really wanted to get fancy, you could add baking powder. Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder? That is correct. I am a stay at home mom who enjoys cooking most of the time. The majority of my days, I’m lucky to have time to take a shower, let alone throw together taco ingredients AND make my own tortillas. My family loves crunchy shells (as well as a bathed mother) and the most inoffensive brand I can find is Old El Paso. Want to know something funny? The box lists the ingredients as: Limed Corn, Palm Oil, Salt & tbhq. Upon further review, it might actually be – Limed Corn, Vegetable Oil Blend (Palm Oil, Contains One Or More Of The Following: Corn Oil, Partially Hydrogenated [Corn Or Soybean Oil]), Salt, Tbhq.
I have no idea what tbhq is and should probably look it up. I’m not going to do that right now, because I’m too mad about having partially hydrogenated oil that I was blissfully unaware of. This is what I’m talking about, people. What are we eating? At least they are slightly better than this:
I DARE you to find a tortilla with better ingredients on the shelf.
Do you see what I’m saying? Can you now imagine how hard my entire shopping trip is on me….and my fellow shoppers? Not to mention my poor daughter who has heard me lament, “Is it too much to ask to find (insert ANY item here) with no (insert whatever thing I’m mad at here) added!?!” Usually that would be sugar, but I am saving my full rant on that sweet subject for it’s very own blog. I’m sure sugar is as excited as you are. Pardon me – do you have any Grey Poupon? Read the label to find out why I don’t.
Companies I’m calling out, please don’t sue me. I’m between lawyers right now. You see, my first lawyer screwed my affairs so badly. (Mike Myers & Dana Carvey, I love you so much.) I’m just begging you to please contimplate making a healthier product. Daring you even.
You, dear reader, I’m challenging you start reading labels. Pay attention to what you’re putting in your body and feeding your children. If there is an ingredient that you don’t know what it is (or can’t pronounce) go ahead and look it up. Do some research. You’re almost done here and then you can switch back to your Yellow # 5 Wikipedia tab and read away. I triple dog dare you.
Farmer’s Garden – I’ll be waiting for my box from you to arrive soon. If it’s a severed head, I’m going to be very upset.
Who The Hell Am I 