In my last confession, I mentioned how we got a huge arctic blast that pretty much shut down normal life around here. You know what happens on Facebook whenever something like that occurs, right? It blows the F up. Boom! And if you’re not careful, you might find yourself….how should I put this….unreasonably angry with FB shrapnel. Like wishing-it-would-stop-snowing-soley-so-you-could-hunt-some-people-down angry. It was not good for my blood pressure, or attempts at trying to remain a kindhearted person. But it provided so much blog fodder (blog-fod, as I just right this second decided I like to call it) that I just can’t stay mad at all the freaking idiotic things I saw. Wait, yes I can. In the interest of attempting to not be a total raving lunatic though, I’m going to shape this as more of a public service announcement than a tirade. That way, if you’re doing these things – or are friends with someone who is – you can gently suggest they read and heed BEFORE you get or give a bitch-slap. You’re so very welcome.
Once again, I am fully aware that Facebook is optional. I also know there are several, non-blogging related ways to handle the people in my feed that constantly trample on my last nerve. Those aren’t as much fun as this is, I guess. Please proceed.
I’m going to start with the good, because I’m like the Unicorn-Kitty in the Lego Movie. Haven’t seen it yet? That’s okay, move on. Here are things that I enjoyed seeing in my feed – even if everyone was doing it and that would normally really bother me:
Road Conditions – chains required, accidents, hazardous locations. Very helpful!
Snow Pictures – including, but not limited to – your kids, your pets, cups of steaming hot cocoa, beautiful white (because of the snow, not racism) front and backyards, and the ever popular ruler in the snow. So much fun!
School Closures – just the simple facts – delayed, shutting down early, closed. Thank you for the intel!
Funny or Clever Memes – a fine example is the Oprah one above. Oh, how I laughed!
Pictures From People In Tropic Climates, Tagging Oregon Friends – Well played, Hawaii dwellers. We said you’d miss the “seasons” when you moved away. We were wrong.
And now here are a few of the things that made me want to throat punch some folks:
Complaining About EVERYthing – I have too much snow! I don’t have any snow! I have places to go! The snow is so cold! The best were the people bitching about school decisions. One district cancelled before they got snow. OH, how the parents posted about the stupidity of officials! (However, I saw no apologies later when the storm hit full force and the kids were already home safe and sound.) One district had already closed a bunch of days earlier in December and were clearly trying to avoid tacking on more days during our precious summer vacation. They instead decided about 5 minutes before school started to cancel – turning busses back around, calling parents to come get kids. Super annoying and inconvenient, I totally get that. What made me snap was one of my “friends” posting how all parents should call and complain to the district about their poor decision making skills. Because I’m sure that in the midst of all the commotion, that’s EXACTLY what school officials needed. I’m positive they didn’t realize what a big blunder they made and needed to hear it from hundreds of angry parents. Damned if they did, damned if they didn’t. Wa Whaaaaa!
Quizes – I know we all had a lot of time on our hands. Precious hours some of us (obviously, myself included) spent curled up with social media. But are we so desperate to kill time that we need to know what character/singer song-writer from what show/era we would be? Oh, and be sure to add something in your comments like, “Yes, this seems super accurate” or, “I don’t think so.” Better yet, just throw out, “Agreed!” Each test is more ridiculous and pointless than the last. What decade do you belong in? What color is your aura? What Big Bang Theory person would you be? Or Breaking Bad. Or How I Met Your Mother – are you a Ted or a Barney? Answer: You’re a douche. Though you probably aren’t, so please stop doing these pointless wastes of time, OR just stop posting your results. I think the post that finally sent me over the edge was, “Haha I don’t even know what “walking dead” is!” Sigh.
Secret Statuses – I don’t care what color your bra is. Or if you have a foot fungus. If you tell me you’re moving to (insert location) in (insert number of days) just because you got a group message telling you to, I’m going to hope you’re going somewhere hot, with pitchforks and eternal damnation. Permanently. Okay, fine – I don’t actually want you to go to hell…just stop the unnecessaryness, if that were a word, of these posts. You want the one that finally did me in? “Why is nobody around when I’m horny?” Posted by someone that I never, never, never, NEVER need to associate with…that word. I believe Grandpa Simpson said it best in the episode called Bart the General, “The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television (insert Facebook) again. Number one: Bra. Number two: Horny. Number three: Family Jewels.” I’m actually not opposed to the use of “family jewels,” a big fan, actually. But I love that quote too much to not provide the entirety. Hmmm…I wonder which Simpson I would be if I were indeed a Simpson. If only there was a way to find out AND make sure all my friends knew the fascinating results…
Horrible Memes –
Memes can be terrible for lots of reasons. Over-stauration, for one. Like it made me laugh the first 38 times, but now that horse you’re beating is dead, sir. Sometimes they are just unfunny to begin with. By now, you’re probably wondering which of the millions out there inspired this category and I won’t disappoint you by holding back:
There are SO MANY REASONS to hate this one….and they have nothing to do with Justin Bieber. First, if you’re going to create and circulate this kind of garbage, the least you could do is spell-check. Second, the photoshop job is….lacking. Let’s just be honest. And finally – the blatant lie. To imply that any celebrity gives two (diapered) shits about your poorly crafted Photoshop reject is giving yourself a (diapered) shit-ton of undeserved credit. Just for (diapered) shits and giggles, could we please, PLEASE not encourage this by re-posting nonsense? Personally, I have zero opinion of the Biebs. His existence has absolutely no effect on my life. If he did, though, certainly I could craft a strongly worded status update expressing that opinion as my own. I’d use spell check and everything. Share the hell out of THAT.
Once again we have only scratched the surface of my ever mounting Facebook frustration, but I feel much better. I hope I’ve helped. Oh wait, more – stop sending me game requests and research your outlandish “News Stories” before you post them. Don’t send me “re-post or you’ll die a horrible death in the next 3 minutes” forwards or anything that crams your religious beliefs down my throat. Those are just no brainers, people.
Finally, a few quick tips to close with:
Stop using “feels” inappropriately.
NO – “Watching the Olympics gives me so many feels.”
Yes – “Why is our daughter crying – did someone spank her in the feelings?”
Stop misusing “literally.”
NO – “There is so much snow, I literally have it coming out the wazoo.” (Though I applause your use of wazoo.)
Yes – “When you constantly use that word improperly, I LITERALLY want to push you down hard enough that when you stand up, snow will LITERALLY come out of your wazoo.”
Stop saying, “Oh, and this happened.” I’m really too tired to expound any further, just take a minute, use your words and describe “this.”
Next time they predict another storm of this magnitude, I think locking my laptop away would be a good idea. It will be hard to know what’s happening in the world around me without everyone’s constant, helpful updates, but I think it would be best for everyone involved if I just watched the news. Or looked out the window.
That way, everyone wins. I keep what’s left of my obviously waning sanity and make sure I don’t hurt anyone’s feels. (Admit it, you kind of want to give my larynx a karate chop, don’t you? Literally, go make a meme about it and be sure to keep it going!)