There are some things you need to know about me to put this post in perspective. First, I joined Facebook in 2007 to keep in touch with my Welsh relatives better. I chuckled about how it was a total rip-off of another very popular social media site (possibly while updating my background layout and song on my super awesome Myspace page) and how it was sure to crash and burn. I guess I might have been a tad mistaken. Second, I have 625 friends. I do not tell you this to brag or sound popular, but to give you an idea of what my newsfeed looks like. It is important to note, however, that I am not a “Friend Collector.” (See below for detailed description) Every single person in my list I have had some kind of personal interaction with and could tell you something unique about them. And finally – and I warn you this verges on TMI – I use FB as a PMS meter. I have no regular schedule and sometimes it is months (or years!) in between. This is kind of awesome, a horrible and unexpected surprise other times. There are women who sense the monthly arrival because they are extra fatigued, or have unusual food cravings. Me? I know when I start scrolling through my homepage and have to log off before I start sarcastically commenting, unfriending people, or actually hunting them down to cause them as much physical pain as their dumbass posts have caused me. Here is my list of things you are doing to anger up my blood.
Food Updates - This meme is actually like two FB birds with one snarky stone, and I love it when that happens. I can NOT stand constant, pointless updates, ALL DAY LONG. Also, I don’t care at all about what you ate today and I certainly do not need photographic evidence of everything you crammed in your big face hole. If you are dieting, and trying to keep yourself accountable by describing a particularly healthy creation that you came up with – YES – I can deal with that. Will probably even offer some encouragement about your good choices. At a super fancy restaurant and want to share a beautifully crafted plate? Okay, thanks for rubbing it in, but that’s acceptable. Posting a recipe that you recently had success or failure creating? Alright, I can handle that. Telling me throughout the day in 17 different updates about preparing the meal, waiting for the food to cook, how it smells, then a selfie with said cuisine, and a summation of how you feel after you “ate WAY too much!” is just more than I can take. Stop it.
And while we are on the subject, here are some things you need to stop saying about food – whether it is your own, a freakin’ Pinterest photo, or someone else’s food pic:
“Nom Nom Nom” - No No No.
“Get in my belly!” - We get it and agree. You are a Fat Bastard.
“Yummo!” - Nomo.
“Yummly!” or “Yummers!” - are you 2? Because even my toddler can come up with better descriptive words than those.
A few other things that you need to realize have become cliche’ and you need to stop posting:
“‘Nuff said.” - Because most of the time, YOU haven’t said anything. You reposted something popular about whatever point you’re trying to prove – which is probably that you’re mad at Obama, or thrilled/enraged about a recent gay marriage decision. Now, if you end a really long rant of your own creation and summarize with “Enough said, ” it makes me want to hurt you less. But…if you’ve taken all that time to write and share something to express yourself well, certainly you can be more clever and original in your closing, no?
“Dear insert-something-you-want-to-complain-about-here” letters - Okay, you’re mad at something. Mondays. Red Lights. Medical ailments. The weather. It happens to the best of us. However, dropping them a little snotty note on FB has got to stop.
“Dear Monday, I hate you. Love, Me.”
“Dear Allergies, I hate you. Love, Me.”
“Dear Rain, I hate you. Love, Me.”
“Dear Mornings, I hate you. Where is my coffee? Love, Me”
“Dear People-Still-Writing-Imaginary-Notes-To-Inanimate-Objects, Stop it now. Me.” - Note the lack of love.
Friend Collectors - You know who you are. I don’t unfriend a lot of people, truly I do not. But when we were actual friends in real life, knew quite a bit about each other, and then down the road you send me a friends request…I assume it’s because you cared somewhat about me. I’m not saying it means we’ll be besties or have a lunch date any time soon. What I am declaring is when we see each other in person and then I send you a chat message saying it was good running into you, how have you been? – I do expect you to answer me. Not immediately, even though FB told me you saw my message right away. Eventually a response would be polite. Nothing to say to me? That’s perfectly fine! No problem. You realize that means we’re not actually friends, though, right? Then you’ll understand why I’m no longer one of the 1000+ people in your collection.
Selfie Addicts - Again, if you are my friend, I LOVE seeing your pictures! However, I do not need a million of them a day. Did you get a new haircut? Let’s see! Needed a new cover photo and no one was around to take it for you? Oh, why not. (Just no duck faces, EVER.) Feeling exceptionally good/bad and need everyone to see why? Okay. Particularly great outfit? You get my point. I don’t mind a picture of yourself that has a purpose. Not every day. Not with every. single. update. Do you really need that much attention?
Multi-Photo Poster When 1 Would Do - I take a zillion pictures of the same thing. In the age of digital cameras, why the hell not? I know full well that if I take 100 pictures, probably only 1 will be good. Pick that one and post it. I DO NOT need to see all 100. (I’m resisting the urge to drop a “I’ve got 99 photos” joke in here. Restraint!) Of a street sign. The front, the back, the side, from under it from across the street. Also, multiple selfies but maybe 5 degrees to the left, 5 more, 5 more, less teeth, more teeth, hair flipped – fills me with an unreasonable rage. I want to see adorable pictures of your children, your pets (even if they are dressed as people), the sports you’re doing, the art project you just completed. Yes, yes, yes! That’s why I’m friends with you. Please don’t make it hard for me to care because you’ve overwhelmed me with crap. Eventually I’ll just stop looking at your posts for fear that I will one day break and leave you a comment that ensures I’ll never again bombarded with your zillions of pointless pictures. For you will have unfriended me, and rightfully so.
Debbie Downers - Despite the name, they are not just women. You know who they are on your list (and in your real life, for that matter) unless of course, it’s YOU and you’re oblivious. Let me help you. Go back and read your last 10 status updates. Now, like when you’re reading a fortune cookie and you add “in bed” to the end of the sentence….instead say “wah wahhhhhhh!” Did it fit? Were 9 out of 10 bitchy or whiney or both? Then stop it. Right now. We all have problems. Bad days happen. Sometimes it feels really go to get it out there. There is a genuine need for sympathy sometimes and your FB friends will give that to you. Unless this is what you do ALL THE TIME. About nothing. Guess what will happen eventually? No one will read your updates anymore. No more understanding comments or comforting words will come your way. And then you will probably complain about that.
Believe me when I tell you this has barely scratched the surface of the things that get my Facebook goat. I won’t even start in on re-posting obviously photoshopped pictures, non-stop gym updates when I know you are actually IN THE GYM UPDATING when you should be working out, unconfirmed and outlandish “facts,” game requests, pointless quizzes, or the use of #hashtags. You are probably wondering why I’m even on there
all day occasionally in the first place. Here are the reasons I’ll admit to -
I really do like to know what’s going on in your life because we are friends. I don’t get to see all the people I care about enough, so watching their kids grow through pictures, hearing about major accomplishments, moves, and vacations makes me really happy. Even seeing bad news lets me know I need to check in with that person in real life – a phone call, a visit. I love inspirational story shares, funny commercials, people taking a cliche’ but manipulating it to fit their particular situation, video clips of people falling down (especially when they are SUPER serious and try to recover, only to fall again immediately), cute animals, beautiful nature scenes, funny and original memes, amazing sports accomplishments, community outreach posts, local events, song lyrics used in casual conversation. You know….the good things in life. So please, I beg of you, take a minute to think about how you are using Facebook and if there might be any room for improvement in what you’re sending out to the world. I fear that someday, in a unforeseen hormone induced frenzy, I might start calling people out on their stupid posts and NO ONE wants that.
I’ve got 99 problems, but FB ain’t one. Enough said.
(I also enjoy ironic hypocrisy a great deal.)